Alternative MUFC - Season awards

Another year and another league season has limped to a pitiful end. A season that offered optimism and hope, turned to desperation and embarrassment before Christmas. Our Champions League run took pathetic to a whole new level and the defence of our Elite Energy Cup was weak and Walcott to say the least. Our league form has been sporadic, and we never really looked like a team that was going to secure back-to-back top 4 finishes. Thankfully another FA Cup run has kept us interested, otherwise I think we would all have been pouring whiskey on our cornflakes from around January time onwards.

I’m currently halfway through the Brighton comms and with that being such a boring game with little content to work with, I have sprinkled it with cut-aways to the ‘Alternative MUFC season awards.’ So while I am currently sat in a sweaty office, pretending to be hard at work, I thought I would give you the rundown of the awards in email newsletter form, prior to the video dropping – because … why not? Anything to distract me from the mundane bullshit of a 9-5.

So, for one last time this season (or maybe not) … Let’s fucking go.

Goal of the Season

There’s no point in trying to shroud this one in any form of mystery. I’ve been shoehorning that absolute stonker of an overhead kick in to the comms for 6 months. It’s beautiful, and no matter how many times you watch it or from which angle it’s viewed, it’s simply perfect. It’s also the first goal I watched with my daughter – who was two days old at the time – so for me it will always be attached to that moment, which makes it even more special.

We have scored some other crackers this season which are worth mentioning. Off the top of my head we had Rashford’s screamer against City, sadly it meant fuck all in the end. Bruno scored a lovely goal away at Burnley, Kobbie scored a peach against the Scousers at Old Trafford and let’s not forget his late winner at Wolves (I can be your hero baby…). But yeah, Garnashers takes this one home.

Game of the Season

Cup finals aside, this could be game of the last fucking decade. The Scousers in the FA Cup – it doesn’t get much better than that. The game had everything, nobody gave us a chance, Klopp was on his farewell tour, his turkey teeth were glistening, and Amad sent them back down the East Lancs crying in to their Universal Credit forms. Oh and I spent 10 hours Comms making, having the most fun doing so since I started this channel over three years ago.

I can’t even think of any serious honourable mentions as the season has been so shit. Wolves away was good, we played well for 45 minutes and then Kobbie announced himself to the world with a last-minute winner – I enjoyed that. Villa around the Christmas period comes to mind too, 2 nill down to win 3-2. That’s probably it.

Player of the Season

Christ, this is a tough one. I’ve seen lots of calls for Dalot – although I’m really not sure. Bruno for me. Slim pickings, but he plays basically every minute of every game, never stops working and genuinely leaves it out of the pitch. He’s not perfect, but he is the best we’ve got. People want to move him on, fucking ludicrous if you ask me.

Best Young Player

Kobbie fucking Mainoo.

Loads of people will tell you how they’ve watched him for years in the academy and had him destined for a ballon d’or ever since they first watched him play when he was 11, but I didn’t. I didn’t know who the kid was a year ago. He’s mustard though, the proper real deal. I love the guy.

Most Improved

Shout out to Barry. He’s put up with some real shit over the last few years and as a result of that his performances and confidence plummeted. He basically became the new Phil Jones, but to the tune of Chucklevision and wearing a price tag that read ‘£80 million’. Massive respect to him for coming out of the other side and stepping up with solid performances and an attitude that shows his professionalism in one hell of a good light. Probably best for both parties if he moves on in the Summer, but I for one, would wish him well.

Signing of the Season

Go Razzmatazz, Go Razzmatazz, Go Razzmatazz. I love the Bastard. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have signed him as our lone striker. He should have come in to a team that already had that position adequality covered and he could have been rotated in and out. But of course we don’t do shit like that at Manchester United. We bought him in with his only competition being a bone-idle injury prone glove wearing Mannequin. He’s done well in his first season, double figures, feeding off scraps and please don’t forget that he’s still a relatively unproven youngster who will only get better. He didn’t ask to be worth what we paid for him. Get behind the kid.

Disappointing player of the Season

‘Mason, someone said you was dead…’ – Yes he’s been injured, yes I have no idea what he even does on a football pitch, let alone what the cunt looks like, but we essentially paid a shit tonne for a lad who has barely played. Regardless of how you look at it, that’s pretty bad.

Other mentions would be Rashford – such a disappointment after his decent season last year. Martinez, solely due to injuries and Onana due to expectations I had for him. He’s on the up now, but he cost us the Champions League groups and he’s looked shaky for good parts of the campaign. Although who wouldn’t’ if they faced 60 shots a fucking game.

Overall thoughts

It’s been a wank season, we’ve finished 8^th with a minus goal difference. The entire season has basically felt like a pressure pot, just fucking waiting to explode. It’s been toxic on and off the pitch with both the mainstream media and social media playing their part in piling on to every aspect of the club. Ineos and Ratcliffe have given us a beacon of light with their off the field appointments and just seeing an owner present at games and communicating to the fans via the media is refreshing. I might be a mad cunt, but I do feel like we are winning on Saturday. Would that save the season? No. But it would take it from being a disastrous one to a disappointing one. And that’ll do for me, all things considered.

Thanks for the support this season. You’ve all been wonderful. Hopefully the comms have given you something to smile about.

‘Second half of next season, we’re doing a title charge.’